We flew out to Independence, MO today to leave Critter @ Shelterwood. I am overcome with so many emotions...but I sense the broom of hope in my heart sweeping away the sadness for what won't be and the hateful lies of my shortcomings and failures as a mom.Of course the story of Abraham sacrificing Isaac has been on my mind. I have been praying all week for God to make the ram show up...I realize He has- Jesus in me, Jesus to me, Jesus through me!
I had left a small Walmart run list for us to do once we got to Independence. We got laundry detergent, batteries, and a few pics developed. Chris and Critter went to get the car while I checked out. That is where it happened..the panic attack. When Whitni, our oldest daughter, got hung up in the Lebanese War a few years ago, I started having panic attacks. I didn't know thats what they were...it just felt like an elephant was on my chest and I couldn't breathe. ANYWAY, once she was home, I have never had another one...until today. I was waiting to pay and thoughts started ambushing me..You know, how I could have, should have, and didn't do things better as a mom to keep tomorrow from having to happen. How we would miss prom, Senior Banquet, Senior Parent Breakfast at church because we were "setting out for the place God had directed us"Gen 22:4 so Critter can heal and grow and become. We got back to the hotel room and I asked God to speak to me and quiet my shattered heart. I grabbed a book I had brought and opened it right to a spot where the author was sharing about when he had panic attacks as a young surgeon. He said he memorized Scripture and would literally take each thought and breathe between them. Paul gave us the same directive in the Bible in 2 Cor 10:5, "take every thought captive to obey Christ.." isn't that just like God to lavish us with His Presence and love the very second we need it??
I don't know how I will leave my sweet man-child tomorrow...it is a thought I can't think right now. I don't have to. He is laying right beside me in our hotel room. Father, please let a day last 1,000 years!