I want to go get Critter. Some things are not happening like we were under the impression that they would and I want to go get my manchild. Don't get me wrong, God has been good and faithful and loving. Critter has been standing up for his beliefs in Jesus at Shelterwood with some of the students and he has been a listening ear and a praying heart for them, as well. He really likes his 'big' and his counselor. He loves his teachers and is doing well in school.
I took my desire to my Lord. With my heart and mind engaged, I climbed up in His loving lap and fell apart. I lamented, complained, begged, reminded Him of all my issues, and asked Him to speak to me. I sensed He stroked my hair and let me fall against His strong chest. Chris could not really console me. My mom could express her love and wisdom but my tears just kept falling. It was like I was emptying out my soul - so many years of hurts and joys and challenges and defeats and hopes and disappointments of watching this sweet manchild get rejected, get left behind, get ridiculed and made fun of, get defined by his processing and reading abilities or disabilities, not get invited, not get a chance, not get understood, get overlooked, and get underencouraged. I want to also say that in each of these times, God always sent a messenger of His love and reminders of His Sovereign ways. He never left us but the pain has been much.
I talked with a friend late in the evening and simply asked her pray. I woke this morning about 6:30am and the first thing I asked my Abba Daddy was "Can i go get him?" Grabbing a cup of coffee, I spotted a book that we had given several of our special friends for Christmas If You Will Ask by Oswald Chambers. I sensed God asking me to pick it up and talk about it over coffee with Him this morning. I starting reading and just started to laugh. I mean from the sweetest places in my spirit. I had asked and my Daddy had answered and it was ABSOLUTELY OPPOSITE of what I wanted but it suddenly didn't matter because I knew that I knew that I knew that He had heard me, loves me, and had spoken His banner of love over me. The opening Scripture of the book is "Stay here and wait with Me." said Jesus (Matt 26:38). My Lord and my Master has asked me to stay and wait with Him. He had tenderly told me no and in the process, revealed His Presence to me.
Oswald went on to remind me that "we must take as from God the arrangements of our lives." If Jesus tells me to stay and wait with Him, the only appropriate thing I can do is to stay and wait. The sweetest part was that I was looking for the Strong Arm of the Lord and He revealed His tender face to me. Of course not in a velvet painting, but I sensed the tender, creased eyes from His knowing smile and His soft voice as He knew His answer was not what I wanted but what He knew would be the best for me - His Presence, not my way. I was really asking God for permission and for His power and in His gentle "no", He gave me o so much more - His Person. Oswald tells me that the basis of my prayers is not my human earnestness, although I can assure you I was earnest. The basis is not my human need or my human will. The only basis on which I may petition the heart of my Lord is the redemption in Jesus.
I don't know what you are talking to our Daddy about today. Your heart may be broken, your spirit may be worn out. You may need an option selection, physical healing, or wisdom. I can only tell you that you are asking Him for His power and in His answer, whether it is what you want or not, He will not disappoint because you will get His Person - because He has paid the price of His life for you - you mean that much to Him!